In the spooky spirit of the scary season, we wanted to address something we’ve noticed about classic Hollywood horror movies. Across the board, all horror movie villains have terrible skin in one way or another and we think that with the proper diagnosis and treatment, these monsters could start down a path of self-improvement and enlightenment, maybe even resulting in the elimination of their murderous rage.

With that in mind, please enjoy these diagnoses and treatment suggestions of the greatest monsters to grace the silver screen. Happy Halloween!

Jason Vorhees

Many people believe Jason wears that hockey mask because he’s a grotesque mutated monster (plus its great for scaring randy camp counselors), but in reality its because he has a bad case of acne. Camp Crystal Lake gets hot in the summer and those over-active sweat glands make Jason break out like a sitcom teenager the night before the big dance. Then, of course, he gets frustrated, grabs his machete and his hockey mask, and the rest is bloody history.

But, if Jason were to rewind the clock and grab the ICE Refining Mask instead of his hockey mask, he might end up getting shot by a flare gun and falling off a dock 100% less often.

The ICE Refining Mask refines pores and reduces oil production so Jason can spend all day creeping on teenagers in the hot Crystal Lake sun without worrying about those pesky pimples ruining his good time.

Friday the 13th? At 8:30? See you there, hot stuff.

Freddy Krueger

Regardless of what street you’re on (elm or otherwise) having skin like Freddy Krueger’s would certainly be a nightmare. But, then again, if you get pulled into the real world and lit on fire at the end of all of your movies, your complexion might be the least of your worries.

Freddy looks a lot like he just went through an extreme black market chemical peel, which is why we’re prescribing the Mineral Jessner Rebuilder with PSC to start the healing process. The Jessner solution uses the combined power of green tea, plant stem cells, colloidal silver, and gold to rebuild damaged skin and diminish any potential scarring.

Nightmare on Elm Street? More like dreamboat on Elm Street.

Pinhead

When it comes to holistic medicines, it is undeniable that certain natural products and treatments can help people treat certain afflictions. Some people use aromatherapy to relieve stress, others go to a chiropractor for back pain, and still others dabble in sadomasochism and extreme acupuncture. We won’t say which one Pinhead practices (because it’s all of them), but whatever he’s doing is not helping his pale, extremely cracked skin.

Traveling across dimensions and harvesting souls can be a stressful endeavor and its definitely manifested in poor Pinhead’s geometric wrinkles. It’s understandable to see the beginnings of a wrinkle and immediately jump to an extreme solution, but if Pinhead had taken a second, put the hammer and nails down and instead picked up the BIO Lift Crème with PSC, he might have been happy enough with the results to swear off soul harvesting for good. The BIO Lift Crème harnesses the natural power of Swiss apple, sea fennel, alpine rose and edelweiss plant stem cells to lift, firm and hydrate your skin, making fine lines and wrinkles a thing of the past.

Just think of all the things a man-demon with Pinhead’s intelligence and drive could accomplish had he dealt with his skin problems like a rational person. It just goes to show: lack of proper skin health can be a dangerous thing.

The Hellraiser with the heavenly complexion.

Michael Myers

Another case of someone being so embarrassed by their skin problems that they hide their appearance with a mask. Whether or not that embarrassment has anything to do with the ensuing murder and mayhem is anyone’s guess, but its certainly not helping anything. Little is known about Michael Myers past but one thing is for sure: he’s not regularly moisturizing.

Keeping your skin moisturized is key to maintaining its optimal health, and ole murderin’ Mike knows less about the benefits of hydrated skin than he does about not murdering teenagers, and that’s certainly saying something.

Who knows, maybe if Michael Myers tried using the MYSTIQ iLuminating Beauty Oil with PSC after he escaped from the asylum instead of going straight to killing, he might have gotten up the courage to just talk to the teenagers and find some common ground. Or, you know, talk to a shrink maybe? Either way, the power of the award-winning iLuminating Beauty Oil would keep his skin hydrated all Halloween long through the use of mastiha oil, madonna lily plant stem cells, and vitamin C.

From spooky to spectacular.

Happy Halloween from everyone at Lira Clinical!